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Friday, September 28th, 2001
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1:36 am - *some things never change*
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damn im tired. i havent been getting much sleep latley at all... i end up up half the night talking to Landon and then gotta get up at 5 am for work. *sigh* yikes yikes.
tomorrow i wont get to take a nap after work either cos im going to see Rainer Maria and My Hotel Year in orlando... should be a good show. woo hoo!!
yeah ok so i think im falling back into my eating issue... that whole rush of not eating. not good. i ate a banana at about 7 am this morning... but its the only thing ive eaten. i dont know why i do this. but it just seems like this is the only thing in my life i can control. everything else.. shit, seems to happen without any say by me and it sucks. ill force myself to eat something tomorrow. bah!
im sure theres alot more to write about...im just to tired right now. ill kick myself in the ass for not writing more later...
ah well.
current mood:  drained
current music: fairweather
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| Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
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1:45 pm - *and what have i become...*
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i wonder why its so hard to update this journal. or to even keep it going. i dont understand. i started this a few weeks ago and only wrote two entries in it and then never came back to it. i still have my old one that i never ever update anymore because to many people started reading it. *sigh* i gotta keep this thing updated or something. writing used to be so awesome... so great and now it just seems to take so much time and effort that i dont really have.
things have been kinda wierd latley. i dont know if wierd is the word really. but still, things are different. so yesterday i went by the college and i withdrew from all my classes. what an irrational act of stupidity, but at the same time it gave me such a feeling of freedom. and i keep saying that i want to move, and now i can. now i dont have anything holding me back. well work, but shit i work for a hotel who advertise being "the worlds largest chain" so im sure i can find one where ever it is i would move. im thinking crazy thats what im thinking. ha oh well. it makes me kinda happy thinking of the possiblies.
the thought of moving excites me. and i know it will freak alot of people out and i will get alot of negative comments on it but i honestly dont care. i know people with think im moving for my boyfriend which is totally not the case. but people can think what they want to. because they will anyway. i just really feel like its time... time for me to get on with my life for REAL.. not just this oh i pay this and that i work full time bullshit. its time for me to be on my own completley... with Landon on my side of course *hehe* (hes the best ever) i dont know. im just ready right now! ugh!
things are great with Landon. i love him so much but yet continue to act like a bitch to him. i dont know why. i wish i had some answers as to why i do the dumb shit i do. but apparently im never going to get those answers im looking for. im going up to birmingham next week to see him and Ana. im very excited and it makes me so happy, yet at the same time makes me nervous as all hell. why?? i dont know i just dont know. im so dumb sometimes!
i feel so gross today. im sitting here looking at this damn soup wanting to eat it but just the thought of it is beginning to make me sick. why am i so weak? so fucking weak. im never going to change. im always going to be to passive... always going to give in to everything. bah!
im supposed to hang with dj and ryan today. i dont think thats gonna happen cos im really tired. Landon woke me up at like 9 something this morning haha.. but i told him too so its all good.. i thought id be able to go back to sleep but nope. i could prolly crash right now though...
sounds like a plan to me.
current mood:  tired
current music: jimmy eat world
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